That’s how I felt Sunday morning. I was hovering over my bible, reading through Luke 19:12-26 getting ready to substitute for a buddy who’s away with a few students for a retreat. I wanted to be familiar with the passage enough to guide the discussion. I had the idea of doing an imagination exercise over Jesus entering Jerusalem for the week leading up to his crucifixion, but this passage one chapter before that event felt more appropriate.
The more I looked over the passage, the more disconnected I felt from scripture. The story felt old and tired. I could flex it if I wanted to, and force it to fit with where I live every day, but why do that? In that moment I felt the weight of every time I’ve tried to make the Bible mean something just so it would make sense to me, or provide me with something to write or teach about.
That mindset grew pretty quickly into this honest realization. I’m genuinely uninterested in studying God’s word.
Those are tough words to write. I want to want to read it. I believe everything I’m “supposed to” believe about scripture. I know it’s inspired. I have issues with the conservative concept of “inerrant”, but I still believe that it speaks the truth about God’s character and who Jesus is. I believe that God has been (and still is) revealing himself throughout history, and we have a collection of the most accurate writings, ones that tell the truth about the existence of God who is screaming out his presence and his desire to be in an intimate relationship with his creation.
And yet, even as I type that…uninterested in reading it.
I thought about that all day yesterday, trying to capture the why behind that emotion. I’ve taught it at the university level for about fifteen years. I’ve written about it for about that long too. I’ve read it several times. I know a lot about the background and formation of it, as well as the other books that ultimately didn’t find a home in the canon. Maybe those contribute to the why.
There’s no neat-and-tidy way to tie all of this up. I felt like I just needed to put this down and reflect on it for a while.